ZRaaS (Zombie Recovery as a Service) or….Data Center Tips for Surviving a Zombie Apocalypse

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There are some disasters for which you cannot prepare. Tornadoes offer little time to seek shelter. Earthquakes typically give no warning at all. Hurricanes still somehow take us by surprise and fires spread before we realize they’ve started.

There is one disaster, however, for which preparation is not only possible, but also prudent: I’m talking, of course, about a zombie apocalypse.

You read that correctly: a zombie apocalypse. Go ahead, laugh. But when a pack of mindless, undead flesh-eaters starts staggering toward you, there are two clear choices: succumbing to a life of undead-ness or putting your zombie attack continuity plan into effect. You Walking Dead fans know what I’m talking about. Just off the top of my head, I can think of five basic steps to at least keep you on the survival path:

The Plan

  • Step One: Run. Well that’s kind of obvious, but seriously… run. A good pair of running shoes should help—keep in mind, zombies don’t run, after all. Quite frankly they don’t really jog either. Me? I’ll be running to my nearest data center. Since I’m based in Raleigh, NC—I’ll likely head here. If I’m traveling….well, I’ll re-route to the closest one on this list.
  • Step Two: Locate your emergency backpack, which should be stocked with at least a week’s worth of supplies: water bottles, thermal blanket, plenty of underwear, wet-wipes, turkey jerky, Altoids and vitamin C (you don’t want to risk scurvy at a time like this). Hopefully, you’ve done your homework on your surroundings and know where to procure more supplies, or even better, how to live off the land. Remember laughing at those people with underground bunkers containing six months’ worth of food and water supplies? Survival is no joke. Try to find these people and make friends with them. Fast. (Just a tip: these are the same people who man our data centers, 24x7. Now might be a good time to connect with them on LinkedIn.)
  • Step Three: Pull out that, ahem, fashionable 1980s leather jacket, your leather gloves and combat boots. Have you ever tried to bite through leather? Consider it essential armor in defending your precious skin against the grasp and/or incisors of your half-dead opponents. If clothing made from data center protective material was an option, I’d wear it. But have you ever tried to wear pants made out of concrete, with built-in fire suppression systems? Yeah…um…me, neither.
  • Step Four: Grab a weapon. Any type of “headknocker” will do nicely. Think baseball bat, two-by-four, hammer or crowbar—really anything you can swing with force in close-combat situations (if it comes to that). These are light to carry and don’t require ammunition—nobody wants to be fiddling with bullets with a zombie breathing down your neck.
  • Step Five: Find shelter. This fifth step may be key to your ultimate survival. Steer clear of the obvious places like supermarkets or pharmacies (everyone heads to those spots—clear wins for the zombs). My recommendation? I gotta go back to Step One here—head for a Windstream data center. If our facilities can withstand disasters such as tornadoes or hurricanes, they’re the clear choice during zombie apocalypses. Built to keep terabytes upon terabytes of information safe and secure, you’ve got an ideal hideout, with walls and roofs that can stand up to the pressure of hundreds of desperate bodies piling on top of one another. When it comes to zombie apocalypse, there really is no safer place than a Windstream data center.

To all you Walking Dead fans out there, hope you enjoyed the season premier last Sunday and remember: map your route to the nearest Windstream data center while you still can. Not sure where to start? Contact one of our experts. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.